Today
I will remind myself
of why I made myself
forget about you
in the first place
I will break out
the mental Sticky Notes
with the sobering cons about us—
not the pros—
scribbled across them
in my tear-stain ink
customized
just for "those moments"
the ones where I was
drowning in my ocean of reconsideration
trying to wrestle myself to safety
chunks of my heart
hurtling from my chest
sinking to the bottom
and there I was
again
for like the 89th time
making an executive decision
about whether
I should gather my breath
and swim after them
or stay focused on
making it to shore
let them float on down
in all of their shatter
with your indelible, guilty fingerprints
splashed across them
and see how long I could survive on land
with a vacancy sign
hanging from my abandoned cavity
and no thump
anywhere in sight
I will
call myself
into the office
to have The Talk
again
huff as I offer myself a seat
furrowed brow
eyes full of fed-up
and tenderness
objection seeping from my lips
in seven languages
pause as I take in my reflection
feel sorry for its naivete
shake my head woefully
at the morsel of pitiful hope
dancing in the tiny cup
it has brought to the meeting—
but know that I must be firm—
this is no time for leniency
to get bamboozled by my excuses—
we passed verbal warnings
a long time ago
this
is the final write-up
Recent musings
have led me to the most egregious territory:
serious misconduct
offense: self-destruction
blatant disregard
for the years of hard work
I've put into my arrival
at my personal best
when it comes to you
slow reflexes in my attentiveness
to the rapid unraveling
of the threads of love I used
to stitch up my spirit
a nose-dive right back into
the war with myself over you
that it took me so long to finally win
But since I got my back
and I've proven before
that I can do the job
that I can be about that life
my life
without you in it
I know
I will redeem myself
So in good faith
and...
because I can't resist
the look of sincerity staring back at me
I'll let myself carry on with my day—
but caution myself
that if I don't see significant improvement
I'll have to revisit this conversation
with myself
tomorrow
again
©2017 Charlene E. Green
from my upcoming book
You Betta Write!
